A Familiar Discomfort

The mind can be a prison of sorts. In some way, we are trapped. Our flesh contains us: our bones the bars, and our body the cell.

What do we do with the time that we are given? After all, how could you explain life without time? How can we desire to halt motion, for without motion, we are dead – existence is rooted in time.

And the importance of roots can never be stressed enough. We want good roots. Because we know we will need them to be sturdy in nature’s harsh winds.

We never face losing it all more than when we doubt the integrity of your roots. When you doubt the very thing that is holding you up, you begin to fear, with a swelling intensity, that you might fall. It’s impossible to be certain of anything without the confirmation of the persistent, function, soothing sound of your roots.

What sound you ask. . . the sound of life: the ebb and the flow; the expansion and the contraction; the on and the off.

Yet, more often than not we spend our lives flickering, never holding a light. Flickering light is better than no light at all, but it is far inferior than true light. For flickering lights still allow the way for darkness, but, when something is truly seen, one cannot fear.

When light shows somethings’s true colors, it cannot be unseen. For there are those that experience color and then there are those that experience art.

The Paradox of Existence

We are always being torn in two. We live within the tension between opposing forces. Life involves both the processes of living and dying happening simultaneously: Some live to die, and others die to live.

We live a paradox and we are one. We both desperately want to be free but are paralyzed by the true totality of what freedom means. We want to find love but find it terrifying once we are actually truly in love with someone whose well-being directly dictates our own. We seek truth at all cost, except when the truth is far more unbearable than the majesty of our fantasies.

We live this way because existence comes with the knowledge of knowing that we may someday not exist (or, at least, exist in an entirely different form). In the forefront of our minds, we live; but, in the background, we know that we may cease to exist someday. To some this may scare, while others don’t care; but, nonetheless, the thought is ever presently there.

Session: 4

I was running into pure darkness – a palpable force, which resists against you. The darkness—an all encompassing pressure that is inescapable.

I awoke to a small room, but the dark gravity of my environment persisted. It’s presence emanated from the aberrant noises of passersby wandering the dimly lit city streets.

They were animals, ruled by base desires and blissfully ignorant of their true condition. And, like animals, they could turn at any moment. Suddenly, their unyielding blind passions and desires might be unleashed upon you; but, this usually required some sort of provocation. However, sometimes even small transgressions would be sufficient in triggering a hostile reaction. The only true requirement was the perception of a threat by the animal. When this occurred, the response was always defensive and hostile out of fear for self-preservation.

Session: 3

I vacillate between apathy and emotion like the seasons flux from winter to summer. When I feel, I feel. And, when I don’t, I don’t. Neither is truly painful or inherently distressing. The times of apathy simple give my emotions a context.

When you’re feeling apathetic, you see the world for what it truly is. You don’t sugar-coat the facts of the world to make existence easier. You see things from uncaring and impassive eyes that don’t even care enough to want to distort reality into your own liking. Apathy transcends like and dislike and leaves you in a place of isness. This is a place stripped away from labels and judgments of liking, loving, hating, wanting, craving none of these aspects play a role; their values are set at zero. Instead, you just observe the characteristics of whatever it is you are gazing upon or thinking about. You do so in a neutral manner because everything in life is devoid of feeling when truly consumed by apathy.

I do not know if I believe that apathy consumes you in the same way a fire would. It’s more that the apathy is always their and in the cold winter seasons of emotion numbness, it isn’t the apathy that takes over, but the disillusioned self and worldview that leaves.

Session: 2

Society filtered propaganda. I am being torn between polarities. Gravitating towards one end, intensifies the resistance of the opposing side; this forces my retreat toward moderation. Is it the voyage of a coward, or the journey of a hero? What is moderation when in terms of light and darkness, or good and evil? There is no place for these binary oppositions to have a place of refuge found in such a sanctuary as a place labeled “moderate.” Extremists take this maxim to the extreme and apply it in all circumstances. However, they do not know the maxim operates on an inverted principle.

Session: 1

I can think of all sorts of scenarios: good ones, bad ones, those that are different – but none of them have ever truly manifested. The imaginative plane never comes out exactly on the experiential plane. This discrepancy is what makes life interesting. No matter how well we can predict what will happen. The true depth of the actual sensory-perceived experience will never be the exact same as the mental construction.

We run these simulations all the time in our heads, playing out scenarios while implementing the most up to date knowledge and use of your current mental software to analyze and judge a scenario based on some specific criterion.