A Familiar Discomfort

The mind can be a prison of sorts. In some way, we are trapped. Our flesh contains us: our bones the bars, and our body the cell.

What do we do with the time that we are given? After all, how could you explain life without time? How can we desire to halt motion, for without motion, we are dead – existence is rooted in time.

And the importance of roots can never be stressed enough. We want good roots. Because we know we will need them to be sturdy in nature’s harsh winds.

We never face losing it all more than when we doubt the integrity of your roots. When you doubt the very thing that is holding you up, you begin to fear, with a swelling intensity, that you might fall. It’s impossible to be certain of anything without the confirmation of the persistent, function, soothing sound of your roots.

What sound you ask. . . the sound of life: the ebb and the flow; the expansion and the contraction; the on and the off.

Yet, more often than not we spend our lives flickering, never holding a light. Flickering light is better than no light at all, but it is far inferior than true light. For flickering lights still allow the way for darkness, but, when something is truly seen, one cannot fear.

When light shows somethings’s true colors, it cannot be unseen. For there are those that experience color and then there are those that experience art.

God and Order

Our world is ruled by disorder. Ask a physicist why time is perceived as flowing in a direction and they will say it is due to entropy, which merely is a scientific way of saying disorder.

The universe is increasing in disorder (entropy), thus time appears to flow in the direction of past to future. In the past, there was less entropy and, therefore, more order. In the future, there is an increasing amount of disorder.

Take this from a cognitive perspective for a second. Your past is comprised of events that happened. They feel more concrete and solidly grounded in existence, because we know (or believe ourselves to know) that these certain events did in fact occur. Now, go the opposite direction and think towards the future. The future is ruled by probability. Thinking of the future from the present is like running probability simulations of what is likely, or possible, to happen in our lives.

The real question becomes: Why was there order to begin with?

In the opening lines of the Bible, it gives rise to the notion that, before there was light, there was a great void, formless and dark. In this primordial state, we find a state of complete individualization — even all the particles are in isolation, as to have yet formed a connective bond to one another.

It is this initial bond that fulfills the verse of “‘Let there be Light'” (Genesis 1:3).

A non-Biblical analogy is the science of your brain. Think to that first neural connection forming in a burst of energy. This initial burst of life cannot be understood, nor meaningfully explained. And, even if we somehow could meaningfully describe life itself, it would encapsulate all the words that have ever used to describe life. It would be all that ever was. Regardless of the mechanism of how, the result was that your brain formed neural connections and has continued to do so throughout your life forming neural networks.

 

The Paradox of Existence

We are always being torn in two. We live within the tension between opposing forces. Life involves both the processes of living and dying happening simultaneously: Some live to die, and others die to live.

We live a paradox and we are one. We both desperately want to be free but are paralyzed by the true totality of what freedom means. We want to find love but find it terrifying once we are actually truly in love with someone whose well-being directly dictates our own. We seek truth at all cost, except when the truth is far more unbearable than the majesty of our fantasies.

We live this way because existence comes with the knowledge of knowing that we may someday not exist (or, at least, exist in an entirely different form). In the forefront of our minds, we live; but, in the background, we know that we may cease to exist someday. To some this may scare, while others don’t care; but, nonetheless, the thought is ever presently there.

Guide My Soul

“As a man thinketh in his heart, so he is.” – Proverbs 23:7

Lord, please forgive my heart for ingesting so much evil under the claim of righteous indignation. It is not my call to rid this world of evil, but to have faith and to grow in my relationship with You. I have drifted from the way of You by being consumed in the politics of this world and letting my heart overflow with arguments, defenses, justifications and distractions. All of which serve to distract me from consuming myself with You — in the form of Love, Beauty and Grace. Such words are only given meaning through the Word made flesh Christ Jesus.

Redirect my path and prune me of the compulsion to look at the entertainment, to be consumed by half-truths and meaningless distractions. Lord Almighty, shield me from the business and trivialities of this life. Grant me serenity  through asylum in your garden. Let me visit the eternal springs and be overtaken by the ripples of calmness that resonate within my spirit. Instruct my hands to open up from their tense clasp onto reality and worldly knowledge and direct my gaze upon you and your fathomless nature.

You are the mystery which should consume me. Nothing of this world will last; so, too, will be the fate of me, if I let this world overtake me.

Lord,
Guard my heart;
Guide my mind;
Gild my soul.

Session: 4

I was running into pure darkness – a palpable force, which resists against you. The darkness—an all encompassing pressure that is inescapable.

I awoke to a small room, but the dark gravity of my environment persisted. It’s presence emanated from the aberrant noises of passersby wandering the dimly lit city streets.

They were animals, ruled by base desires and blissfully ignorant of their true condition. And, like animals, they could turn at any moment. Suddenly, their unyielding blind passions and desires might be unleashed upon you; but, this usually required some sort of provocation. However, sometimes even small transgressions would be sufficient in triggering a hostile reaction. The only true requirement was the perception of a threat by the animal. When this occurred, the response was always defensive and hostile out of fear for self-preservation.

Session: 3

I vacillate between apathy and emotion like the seasons flux from winter to summer. When I feel, I feel. And, when I don’t, I don’t. Neither is truly painful or inherently distressing. The times of apathy simple give my emotions a context.

When you’re feeling apathetic, you see the world for what it truly is. You don’t sugar-coat the facts of the world to make existence easier. You see things from uncaring and impassive eyes that don’t even care enough to want to distort reality into your own liking. Apathy transcends like and dislike and leaves you in a place of isness. This is a place stripped away from labels and judgments of liking, loving, hating, wanting, craving none of these aspects play a role; their values are set at zero. Instead, you just observe the characteristics of whatever it is you are gazing upon or thinking about. You do so in a neutral manner because everything in life is devoid of feeling when truly consumed by apathy.

I do not know if I believe that apathy consumes you in the same way a fire would. It’s more that the apathy is always their and in the cold winter seasons of emotion numbness, it isn’t the apathy that takes over, but the disillusioned self and worldview that leaves.