All nature passes away with time. But we are not mere nature. We are also spirit. And through this spirit we can transcend to another realm of life devoid of nature. But this is only attained if while living here in a dualistic world we choose to place our focus and our energy into the part of ourselves capable of enduring time; that is, only spirit. We become what we dwell upon and if we dwell upon the material, that is what we become; and nothing material can transcend. Therefore, we should fix our eyes on the intangibles like love, mercy, grace and beauty letting these aspects of life consume us so that we may transcend through them.
I live in a fight between my rationality and my emotionality.
My rationality knows quite well that these next two months are quite necessary not only for the development of our relationship, but also for further discovery of our own selves.
I know this time is necessary so that we do not rush through the initial stages of a relationship.
And the paradox is that by not rushing everything becomes more meaningful: I savor every minute I spend with her and my feelings are being opened to a whole new level of perceptional experience. But nevertheless, I want to rush!
This is where my emotionality comes into play. Though it is all well and good that this thing called “time” and this virtue called “patience” are necessary to derive the pleasurable feeling I feel when I am with her; I nonetheless wish I could spend every moment with her, right now.
I know that isn’t the right answer, nor does it have a remote possibility of happening. But I cannot quell these feelings. They feel just as true as my rationality.
But in the end what I need is balance accompanied by patience. I do need to see her, and in time the duration of our time spent together will too expand. Yet, I also need to live this chapter in my life for the chapter that it is. For after all, this point in my life cannot be anything other than what it is.
The scene is set and the characters in motion. I relinquish control and simply play my part. The next scene will arrive when and where it is meant to, but, until then, it is necessary to continue onward.
Today is a good day. The past couple of weeks have been good. It is a stark turn around from where I was before. I can’t be sure what the ultimate cause was, and it was likely multiple factors. I know for certain the discontinuation of the horrid Zyprexa had an influence, as well as the addition of Lamictal which, as of right now, seems to be a step in the right direction.
Regardless of the cause, I am left feeling different. I can’t put my figure on it or boil it down into words, but I feel better. I feel a sense of faith and confidence in myself, even though my outside life really hasn’t changed. I still don’t know what I am going to do once I graduate college here in the next couple of months. I still am grinding through the daily struggles of my course work. I am still experiencing daily stresses and missing my girlfriend — but something is different.
I feel a sense of faith. A faith that you truly believe but cannot put into words, as opposed to my former faith which was all about logic and reason but left a gaping hole in my chest where my intuition was meant to be. I didn’t think I would, but I actually like this feeling better.
If asked about my belief, I really couldn’t describe it, but it is not for other people; it’s just for me. I truly believe in and trust in my views of life and the world and that is something that I have searched high and low for, for years.
I just never thought it would come in the form of nothingness, really. Nothingness in the sense that it is not words, or ideas, philosophies, or material things, it’s just a feeling. But it is also more than a feeling. It is a true and candid belief that the world as we know it is not what it seems and there is more beyond my perception. Whatever that more is I truly do not know, but I know it is out there and I yearn to get closer.
Today is a good day. I have lived many days and each possess their own stresses. But one thing is common among all stressors: they are perceived and processed within my mind alone. The stress is felt inside my body and doesn’t exist outside of me, externally in the outside world. Something is only stressful if it is perceived as stressful. Some might find stress everywhere by being aware of all the things that may go wrong. Others, may be blind to these hidden stressors and, consequently, feel no stress whatsoever. Much of stress is self-manufactured by worrying about “what if’s,” but the solution is to focus on “what is.” What currently exists in our awareness is all we can truly be certain about. Also, the present is what we must go through to get to those someday “what if’s.” We can never escape the fact that we can only live on moment at a time and, within each moment, we can only live one thought at a time.