The Paradox of Existence

We are always being torn in two. We live within the tension between opposing forces. Life involves both the processes of living and dying happening simultaneously: Some live to die, and others die to live.

We live a paradox and we are one. We both desperately want to be free but are paralyzed by the true totality of what freedom means. We want to find love but find it terrifying once we are actually truly in love with someone whose well-being directly dictates our own. We seek truth at all cost, except when the truth is far more unbearable than the majesty of our fantasies.

We live this way because existence comes with the knowledge of knowing that we may someday not exist (or, at least, exist in an entirely different form). In the forefront of our minds, we live; but, in the background, we know that we may cease to exist someday. To some this may scare, while others don’t care; but, nonetheless, the thought is ever presently there.

He & She

He sat. He sat and he thought about the issues that concerned him – the issues he cared deeply about. And, for him, he could not see past her. The blinding luminosity that was her in his mind.

The moments and events of his life seemed to circle around her at the center – timeless and still. It was not just around her though, but his love for her and, moreover, his love of Love.

His love that provided him with the knowledge that true security, safety, warmth and comfort does exist. He craved this. He craved these feelings, always. He craved this love because he craved immortality. He craved love because he knew that it could transcend the grave – he knew this because he had witnessed it himself.

He had died many times during his single lifetime. When cycles of self were altered or fundamentally destroyed, he began to drift – floating from thought to thought never being anchored down. What made him, him was called into question – even his very existence…especially his very existence.

This was all true before he met her. Once she entered his life, there was something sturdy to hold on to – a point to be grounded and attached. This was a solid footing that only grew in strength, power and depth by the passing of each day.

The roots of love never stop. They are never finished in their expansion; for love does not retreat. Love does not diminish – love expands ceaselessly.

Unrequited Love

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“And whatsoever we ask, we receive of him, because we keep his commandments, and do those things that are pleasing in his sight.” – 1 John 3:22

It seems too good to be true to be able to ask for whatever you desire (that which is in accordance with God’s will) and receive it. The mind can run wild with the boundless possibilities and potentials that wait for us through prayer.

But, though we want to receive gifts, don’t we also feel a pressure to reciprocate when a gift is given to us? I think this can be especially understood with the Christmas season upon us. Receiving gifts is wonderful, but is a guilt associated with receiving. What if I can’t reciprocate appropriately and return the relationship back to balance through an appropriate response?

This may have merit in human exchanges, but it is impossible when regarding our relationship to God. From the beginning, the relationship was unbalanced: “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). There is nothing we can give back to God to ever even the score – but, this is not an issue; it is the shining example of God’s beautiful and boundless love and grace!

“In God there is no hunger that needs to be filled, only plenteousness that desires to give.” – C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves.

God wants to give to his children. He wants to love us, not just a little bit, but love in abundance because abundance of love is all that God knows. The gifts he graces us with our beyond even our wildest imaginings. As Matthew 7:9-11 states, “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly father give good gifts to those who ask him.”

Therefore, our jobs become to accept God’s grace, love and abundance and accept that we deserve none of it, but He, nevertheless, showers us with it. Then, we can begin to walk in perfect love without fear, guilt or doubt and share this pure love with one another. But, “let us love, not in word or speech, but in truth and action” (1 John 3:18).

Self-Reflections: Day 3

Today is a good day. The past couple of weeks have been good. It is a stark turn around from where I was before. I can’t be sure what the ultimate cause was, and it was likely multiple factors. I know for certain the discontinuation of  the horrid Zyprexa had an influence, as well as the addition of Lamictal which, as of right now, seems to be a step in the right direction.

Regardless of the cause, I am left feeling different. I can’t put my figure on it or boil it down into words, but I feel better. I feel a sense of faith and confidence in myself, even though my outside life really hasn’t changed. I still don’t know what I am going to do once I graduate college here in the next couple of months. I still am grinding through the daily struggles of my course work. I am still experiencing daily stresses and missing my girlfriend — but something is different.

I feel a sense of faith. A faith that you truly believe but cannot put into words, as opposed to my former faith which was all about logic and reason but left a gaping hole in my chest where my intuition was meant to be. I didn’t think I would, but I actually like this feeling better.

If asked about my belief, I really couldn’t describe it, but it is not for other people; it’s just for me. I truly believe in and trust in my views of life and the world and that is something that I have searched high and low for, for years.

I just never thought it would come in the form of nothingness, really. Nothingness in the sense that it is not words, or ideas, philosophies, or material things, it’s just a feeling. But it is also more than a feeling. It is a true and candid belief that the world as we know it is not what it seems and there is more beyond my perception. Whatever that more is I truly do not know, but I know it is out there and I yearn to get closer.