The Beginning

It had only been about 4 hours since last seeing her that the freshly imprinted memory of her lips embracing his came rushing back into his mind; he could still feel the experience, yet had difficulty putting it into words. Her lips were soft yet structured and her movements deliberate and precise. Yet, at other times her lips dangled agape tantalizing him further. He missed no opportunity to show his affection. He could not resist the passion that drove him to action. It was something intangible about her, some deep source that resonated with him causing him to be unable to resist.

He was enchanted by her beauty, but not merely physically. Though her supple, elegant, brown eyes did captivate his attention, it was the radiance and complexity of her personality that truly distracted him. He would become so immersed in trying to assign some label to her, not for the purpose of merely categorization, but for ingenuous understanding on his part. He genuinely was dumbfounded by her and his intrigue was something of whimsical curiosity rather than something more serious in nature. The novelty that was her provided him with the greatest enigma of his life – one that he recognized would remain an enigma for the rest of his life. He fully knew this point; moreover, he even understood that the mystery of her being would deepen and expand further the more he got to know her. Regardless, the insurmountable task did not deter him, but rather excite him. She motivated him to inquire into his own self further.

Self-Reflections: Day 3

Today is a good day. The past couple of weeks have been good. It is a stark turn around from where I was before. I can’t be sure what the ultimate cause was, and it was likely multiple factors. I know for certain the discontinuation of  the horrid Zyprexa had an influence, as well as the addition of Lamictal which, as of right now, seems to be a step in the right direction.

Regardless of the cause, I am left feeling different. I can’t put my figure on it or boil it down into words, but I feel better. I feel a sense of faith and confidence in myself, even though my outside life really hasn’t changed. I still don’t know what I am going to do once I graduate college here in the next couple of months. I still am grinding through the daily struggles of my course work. I am still experiencing daily stresses and missing my girlfriend — but something is different.

I feel a sense of faith. A faith that you truly believe but cannot put into words, as opposed to my former faith which was all about logic and reason but left a gaping hole in my chest where my intuition was meant to be. I didn’t think I would, but I actually like this feeling better.

If asked about my belief, I really couldn’t describe it, but it is not for other people; it’s just for me. I truly believe in and trust in my views of life and the world and that is something that I have searched high and low for, for years.

I just never thought it would come in the form of nothingness, really. Nothingness in the sense that it is not words, or ideas, philosophies, or material things, it’s just a feeling. But it is also more than a feeling. It is a true and candid belief that the world as we know it is not what it seems and there is more beyond my perception. Whatever that more is I truly do not know, but I know it is out there and I yearn to get closer.

 

Self-Reflections: Day 2

Today is a good day. I have lived many days and each possess their own stresses. But one thing is common among all stressors: they are perceived and processed within my mind alone. The stress is felt inside my body and doesn’t exist outside of me, externally in the outside world. Something is only stressful if it is perceived as stressful. Some might find stress everywhere by being aware of all the things that may go wrong. Others, may be blind to these hidden stressors and, consequently, feel no stress whatsoever. Much of stress is self-manufactured by worrying about “what if’s,”  but the solution is to focus on “what is.” What currently exists in our awareness is all we can truly be certain about. Also, the present is what we must go through to get to those someday “what if’s.” We can never escape the fact that we can only live on moment at a time and, within each moment, we can only live one thought at a time.

Self-Reflections: Day 1

Days are long. I spend a lot of time thinking and a lot of that time thinking is time ruminating. I always think about what could go wrong before thinking about what could go right. Some days are worse than others, but each day produces its own situations of worry. Most of the time the worrying is done before the event has even taken place, trying to predict every sort of outcome and possible consequence for each given behavior. This process is tiresome. It takes a lot of energy and attention to constantly be in my head and, consequently, it takes away from much of my daily experience. I spend less time enjoying the pleasures of the moment and more time away from the moment, trapped in my own internal mind deliberating upon likely trivial details of my daily existence.

No matter how aware I become of my own neuroticism, it doesn’t seem to go away. You can’t escape from your own head. Regardless if you travel, surround yourself with people, or distract yourself with things, you’re always peering through the same windows. The same mind watches from behind them. It is always active and always aware. It works constantly and finds more and more problems and flaws, as well as possible problems and possible flaws. Then, once again, you find yourself circulating the familiar cycle of analyzing and troubleshooting. For each hypothetical scenario there is a unique solution that needs to be found. And for each solution it needs to be thought about and mentally simulated.

It is a complete process and one that is constantly at work, for new problems are continually being born and brought into existence, only to disappear with the passage of time. What I angsted over last week is different then this one, but each issue felt just has urgent, just as pressing; each time feels new, but also very similar to the last and the time before that. There is no end solution that I see. The cycle continues and along with it so do I. I carry forward uncertain of my life events. I will always be uncertain because that’s the nature of the future; it is ambiguous. It is shrouded in mystery, yet I think I can know. I think I can infer or predict, or do something to give me true foresight. But, I can never attain it. I can never rest in the relaxing bliss of knowing the truth about the future, for there are always unknowns.

Those unknowns are what I search for; they are why I can’t rest. They are what I seek to eliminate and what I must face with each passing day.