An All Too Familiar Feeling

Patient: It’s this feeling I get – it’s been getting stronger. It isn’t fear, worry, dread, paranoia, or anything of the kind; I’ve been there, and I know the difference. I’m not proclaiming to know the answers to the who, what, when and how, but I can’t deny the feeling.

It’s a strange, but familiar feeling. Each day it feels I am slowly remembering more and more. It is like a game between my conscious and unconscious. The conscious views and lives in the manifested reality, and the unconscious subtly and nonverbally tries to reveal my true destiny – the destiny I’ve known for myself all along but have long since forgotten.

Doctor: But feelings aren’t going to land you a job. They aren’t going to pay the rent and put food on the table. You have to take action and pursue something.

Patient: Taking action towards something that is wrong is not the right course of action; in fact, no action would be better than taking the wrong action. Additionally, feelings may not ‘land you a job’ but I am not alive to have a job, as well as I may be inventive enough where I won’t be landing the job, but rather creating one. Do not limit me by the status quo – that is no way to live. I refuse to live for society, and if I can’t trust myself and my the faith I have in my feelings and in myself and in my intuition, then what can I trust? Furthermore, what good would I be to an employer if I lacked any grain of self-confidence?

‘Crazy’ people did crazy things that shocked the world because they were not afraid to be different – actually, fear had nothing to do with the equation for their success – they simply couldn’t not follow their passion because passion and dreams are what life is about; and I refuse to be told otherwise. I will not go sit in my cubicle from 8-5 Monday-Friday because that is what society expects of me.

Sure, it may mean my life will be limited to some extents because of course money is necessary for most things. But, I don’t need it to think, and I sure don’t need it to dream.

Doctor: So, what you’re saying is you are going to be the next Steve Jobs or Einstein? That certainly sounds like delusions of grandeur to me. Have you been taking your medications?

Patient: Yes, I take them every day, and, no, I’m not saying that because I want fame and/or fortune, I’m saying I want to do something and make something that I am proud of. But, yeah I bet Jobs and Einstein sounded delusional at points too. I’m sure people mocked them too. I’m not saying that since those things have been ascribed to me that it means I’ll change the world like they did, but what I am saying is if limit myself and you limit me by labeling these feelings and thoughts that are purely dreams and aspirations, then whatever potential I did have to be like them, is going to be wasted. And, the sad part is it won’t be because I didn’t have the skills, attributes, qualities or whatever, it will be because I didn’t believe in myself; it will be because I let other people dictate what I should and shouldn’t do, should and shouldn’t think and that will be the reason I fail.

2 thoughts on “An All Too Familiar Feeling

  1. I hear you loud and clear. At age 23 I dropped out of going to grad school full time and quit my promising engineering desk job to become a barista. I moved my fancy high-salary furniture from my high-salary apartment into my childhood bedroom. And it was the right decision.
    I’ve been working at the bakery for a year now and I have never once regretted my decision. I spent months agonizing over it beforehand, and sure I’ve questioned myself a few times but regret? Not at all.
    Now I’m an assistant manager going back to grad school for engineering while on the side working on what will possible become the career of my dreams – antique clock repair.
    There’s no knowing where the future will take you but that’s no reason to limit yourself. If you want, check out my clock repair blog https://shetalksaboutclocks.com Happy Writing and Reading

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